Insurance in the driver's seat — 1 day ago

I have — 1 day ago

if you only knew — 1 day ago

how touching it is to me, this sincere outpouring of kindness from the 43 community…that’s not nothing, Unc.

I know that it probably feels like nothing, because it costs nothing, but it’s energy will help me, it will. (as an aside, there was a study about people who were prayed for, versus a control group, who were not prayed for, and the prayed for group did better—it’s inexplicable, and the scientists were unable to explain it…the groups were made up of people who were not praying folks…so there might be something to it)

In any case, I feel the love, and I do feel bad about how rotten this news is; I’m not unaware of how heavy it is, and I hate to be a wet blanket.

I just found out my insurance kinda sucks for any hospital stays and “outpatient procedures” so, it was ok for check ups and follow ups and lab analyses…but surgery and hospital visits are going to start adding up…this is how Americans end up losing everything.

for example: I have to pay for 30% of my “out patient procedures” and $500/day for hospital stay up to three days stay (after that, they cover the whole amount)

So already, I’m worried that these things are going to drive my decision when selecting a plan. They may even not cover a mastectomy and reconstruction; looking at it as “elective” if I could have survived by just hacking out the lump and having radiation.

oh, I dunno…I just feel bad ranting on about this…I hate heavy news, even when it’s my own.

Thank you for your amazing support, my dear. It means more than any dollar amount you could imagine.

Oh, I know... — 1 day ago

please — 1 day ago

PUSH to get that lump checked!
Only because of my mom having died a few yars ago of breast cancer did anyone check it out—I kept hearing “it seems like nothing…it’s probably nothing…I’m not impressed…likely nothing” but because of this family history, I’m here, talking about cancer and not “lump that I live with.”

I was sure it was nothing, it was painful, especially just before my menstural cycle, so I knew it was hormonal, and because it was painful, I thought—it’s not cancer; cancer isn’t painful.

Well, there you go…never say never.

I have a smallish lump that I noticed about a year ago, and should have had it checked then, but putting it off and appointments being always a month away, and so forth (plus, me working nights and having hard time scheduling) all pushed this forward. I wish I had had this looked at a year ago.

Mammogram and ultrasound showed lump, but they were suspicious because it didn’t look “cyst-like” what that means, I’ve no idea, so they did the biopsy.

I wish I could turn the clock back now and I’d say not even do the biopsy (there’s a danger of somemthing called “seeding” where cancer cells are loosed among healthy tissue. For example, during sugery, a surgeon will remove the lump using one set of instruments, and then switch to clean tools, because they found that cancer cells were sticking to the surgical instruments, and those cells would be reintroduced into remaining healthy tissue, and a new tumor would start…hence “seeding”) SO I wish that I had just had the lumpectomy instead of doing the biopsy…the procedure might have (though they deny it, even though I asked before the biopsy) introduced cells as it pushed thru the lump and into healthy tissue.

it keeps me up at night, now. I wish I’d just had the lump taken out.

Good luck to you—please get this looked at ASAP…the more time goes by the worse your prognosis is if it is something to worry about. The worse the surgery is, and the worse the chemo etc…so I hear.

I know, Hawk — 3 days ago

Thanks, Todd — 3 days ago

I really just need to vent, I guess. I struggled with not saying anything, but then everyone would think I was in school, moving ahead with my life, and I will in fact be very sick, and struggling thru this—I’ll need all the honesty I can muster in order to be able to vent…

I appreciate the kind words.
Thank you.

Thanks, Heav — 3 days ago

yeah (sigh) — 3 days ago

I want that too, and right now, I don’t know if I’ll ever get there…moments will always be (at best) bittersweet for knowing that no matter how good I ever feel at any given moment, my own body could be mounting an attack.

I’m only sad at the liklihood (because I do love life) that it won’t be as long as I’d hoped, not that I ever had guarantees…but with MS, I was prepared to face a wheelchair, and loss of ability to walk…but never my own mortality.

And, I see people die all the time. As an ICU nurse, some folks just are not going to make it, and you know it…but watching my mom go to cancer, and my brother…those were two horrible, painful and difficult deaths (comparatively)

My mom would say “you’re not even sure about treatments yet and you’re talking death!? you might as well just jump in a grave now because you’re not going to make it with that attitude!” and she’s right…

I think I’m angry at the injustice. I eat well, I work out, I don’t “enjoy” many indulgances…no refined flour, sugar, I avoid chemicals, teflon, aluminum, plastic—all those things in the environment that are supposed to be bad for you; and yet, it did me no good.

I guess that’s what I’m feeling mad at. I might as well have done drugs, and drank, and smoked, and eaten fast food, and so forth, and then at least I’d have the ability to say “I’m going to make some changes” and feel like I was in control of my health. Right now, I feel like: what possibly could I change to protect my health now? There’s nothing left!

Ah well…I’ll know more friday, I guess.

Thanks for the kind words, mahinui!

I know — 3 days ago

And I’m very sorry—I don’t mean to undermine or scare other survivors or their survivorship.

My own mom would probably have raised her voice if she heard me talking like this (she never raised her voice)

You can’t live like that. It’s true. I think, being a nurse, and having had this happen to my mom and brother, I have skipped the first year or two of what most people diagnosed go thru, and went right to the year anniversary—the “now what?” and “when?” stage.

Nothing I read definatively tells me anything—meta analyses of studies done on longevity, prognoses, diets, treatments, pre-emptive measures, everything…and nothing is directly pointing me to “cure”

I guess I’m just in the anger/self-pity stage of grief…I’m dying for friday to come so I can go to UCSF and talk to someone…I’m going crazy just trapped in my own head.

Thanks for the kind words and support, Calypte. I especially appreciate that you’ve been there, and have done well—I need as many of those examples as I can find.